Case File: Evangelion
by Wesker888
Summary: A psychiatrist is brought in to help analyze and provide therapy for NERV's pilots. A task easier said than done. Starts just before the series begins and goes right up to End of Evangelion.
1. Tape One: Arrival

Case File Number One: Tokyo-Three NERV Facility

This is Doctor Wesley McPhearson, age thirty-three, from London, England. I am a DClinPsych, graduated from Oxford in the year two thousand and six. Mainly specializing in child psychiatry. Co-opted by NERV to provide therapy to their pilots, all of whom are in between the ages of thirteen and fifteen. I have now been sent to Tokyo-Three the current headquarters for NERV, to do an evaluation on their current pilot, fourteen-year-old, let me see here...

_(sound of papers rustling)_

fourteen-year-old...Rei Aya...A-ya-na-mi, yes, there we go. Apologies, Japanese names are still...a bit of a tongue twister for me...

_(clears throat)_

My Japanese is fair at best, good enough to converse with, but I hope no one expects me to recite _Yotsuya Kaiden_ in its entirety, otherwise I'm going to be in for a rough time. As it stands, I'll be struggling to keep up with those who speak it as a first language. I'm sure once you give me a few weeks of speaking it regularly, I will speak it well enough to keep afloat. That's the hope, at the least.

I have been called in as a favor to the NERV commander, Gendo Ikari, after his designated pilot suffered an accident during a training exercise, when the large mechanized robot she was piloting-the, uh...

_(more paper rustling)_

designated Evangelion Unit Zero, or simply EVA Unit Zero- went berserk and she was haphazardly ejected. I'm to do analysis on her during her recovery period and then stand-by for further instructions.

I am cleared to know about the EVAs, and about what exactly the EVAs are designed to do...or to more accurately put it, what they are designed to combat _against_. But that is the limit of my clearance. I have access to most of the facilities in the base, but the basement facilities, the areas where the EVAs themselves are kept, and the computer core room are off limits to me. Which is all fine and good by me; the less I know of the larger going-ons of this company, the better off I imagine I shall be for it.

As a way of keeping a record of this case, as well as keeping my own head clear, I have elected to keep a pocket tape recorder to document my thoughts and my analysis. Alternatively, I suppose I could have kept a notebook or a computer document instead, but I do enough writing by hand during my work hours, and to be frank, the idea of being able to record my words and then play them back later has always helped me collect my thoughts easier. It worked during exams and it's worked on past cases, so I imagine it shall work here, so long as my tapes don't fall into the wrong hands.

_(pause)_

If I may be truthful, if only to this recording, I feel I may not be completely qualified to undertake this particular case. My own work thus far has been providing therapy for parental abuse victims and patients who have suffered deaths in their personal lives, and while I have undertaken several highly stressful cases, none of them have involved _soldiers_... which is, when all is said and done, what I'm working with here. Doctor Steinman, my mentor, would be the more suited candidate for this task, not only for his remarkable work during the 1991 Persian Gulf War, but also for his outstanding handling of survivors from the Second Impact and helping them come to terms with their experiences during that terribly traumatic event.

All that, and also for the added bonus that he speaks Japanese so fluently that, aside from his skin tone, one could almost mistake him for a native.

But we all have our places in life, and his is in Canada, trying to maintain a clinic for survivors living in harsh conditions there. So the NERV request goes to me, and I shall perform my duties to the best of my abilities.

Now, let's see...I feel like I should be give this recorder a name. Not so much to name an inanimate object, moreso to feel like I am actually speaking to someone instead of my own shadow. It's the thought that counts, I dare say.

But what to call you...Ian? No no, that won't do. Barbara? Ah, ridiculous...

Katelyn. Yes, that is it. Katie. After my old, dear departed friend. Of course. Yes, perfect.

Well then, Katie, I suppose we should get some sleep.

Tomorrow, the real work begins.

End recording...which is how I imagine I will end these recordings, just by simply saying that. So...end recording.


	2. Tape Two: Ayanami Report 1

Ayanami Tape #01

_(shuffling around a desk)_

Had my first meeting with Rei Ayanami today. Very interesting girl...well, perhaps 'interesting' is a bit too strong of a word. Curious girl, certainly. Puzzling, there's another perfectly good word there.

_(shuffling stops, a sigh)_

The girl herself, however...well, to be perfectly blunt, she's rather DULL.

I look upon her face and I see hardly a trace of emotion. This small child with gray hair and red eyes- which by itself is quite an odd combination, not something I've ever encountered- just sat in the room and stared at me...no, more like she stared PAST me, for a good hour. When she spoke, which was really only in response to my questions, her voice was soft, almost like a whisper, so I have to lean closer in order to hear her properly.

I asked her a bit about herself. She told me only that she had been at this facility for some time and that she was the pilot for Unit Zero. I asked her about her parents; she told me she didn't have them. I asked her about her hobbies, if there was anything else she liked to do...and she responded with, "whatever Commander Ikari tells me to do."

What the bloody hell kind of answer is THAT? Ikari's her commander, sure, but not her jail warden...at least, I would certainly HOPE he's not. IS he keeping her prisoner here? I doubt it, but that answer is quite worrying, I must be honest.

_(shuffling resumes for a bit, then stops again)_

Another thing is that though she answered my questions, I get the feeling she only did it out of OBLIGATION to answering me. Whenever I asked her something, she responded, but half the time I don't think she even heard what I was asking. It's like her head was just...somewhere else...

There's something not quite right about that one, Katie. I'm not sure what it is yet, but I might get an idea...if I can just find...

_(more shuffling, then the sound of a large metal drawer being slammed shut._ _Loud sigh)_

It's not here. I've been looking for Rei's file this entire time and it just occurs to me now that I don't have it. Either the ones in charge simply neglected to put it in my office, or they just plumb forgot about it. Either or is irrelevant, I need it now, and it's not here.

Alright, writing a reminder for myself for tomorrow.

_(sound of pencil writing on paper)_

'Send word to Doctor Rit-su-ko A-ka-gi's office tomorrow and request Rei Ayanami's file.' There, that will-

_(pause)_

Wait...no, that's not quite right, is it? The 'u' is silent in Japanese, isn't it? Yes, right, how daft of me...

_(sounds of crossing out, more writing)_

'Rits-ko Akagi'. Yes that's it...oh blimey, that's going to take some getting used to, now, isn't it?

Right, well, that's enough for today. End recording.


	3. Tape Three: Ayanami Report 2

Ayanami Tape #02

I have had two more sessions with Rei in the last week. Both sessions have been the same as the first. The child still engages when talked to, but I get the feeling that if I were to be absolutely silent for the entire hour of our sessions, she would not say a word. She lays on that couch, covered in bandages from her injuries, stares just past my head at some spot on my wall, and answers only when spoken to.

In our last session, I asked her about the accident when her EVA went berserk. The exact cause of the incident remains unknown, but apparently Doctor Akagi fears it was due to a mental break; hence why I was called in. But Rei tells me she couldn't remember what she was thinking at the time; she had been focusing on her sync with the robot, and then something threw her concentration off.

I remarked that it must have been something serious if it was enough to cause a reaction that severe. She only agreed in reply.

I then asked if Commander Ikari's presence may have had something to do with the incident. Ikari was personally supervising Unit Zero's activation, or so I'm told, and I imagine his presence would be unnerving to the young lady. Indeed, Ikari gives off a very unnerving atmosphere whenever he is around, and it is for this reason that my interaction with him has been limited.

But Rei seemed not to have minded him being there, and indeed seems grateful that he was there to get her out. Reports I've heard from the eyewitnesses say he saved Rei by getting her out of that pod, at the expense of burning his hands on the hatch. It's possible he did.

However, from the reports I've read, he acted rather too hastily during the event for my liking, and may have only done more harm than good. Then again, I am a psychiatrist, not a technician, so I'm probably not the best person to analyze that particular area.

While she seemed to praise Commander Ikari for coming to her aide, her feelings towards Doctor Akagi seem to be another matter entirely. Though she would not elaborate when I asked, Rei seemed oddly cool towards the head scientist. She said nothing offensive, just was more curt and short with her answers, so much so that I decided to hold that line of questioning for another time.

_(pause)_

I'm going to make an analysis now, Katie. All this is just guesswork for the moment, but, well, we all have to start somewhere...

What I have seen so far of Rei suggests a girl who is smart, obedient, and somewhat naïve. She seems surprisingly unaware of the world and yet very MUCH aware of it at the same time. For as straight-forward as she is, I still cannot seem to get any satisfactory answers out of her, including her background and her family history. She's...well, she's something. I have encountered children that were very good at hiding their true thoughts and emotions, but this child, she is...entirely an enigma to me.

She thinks very highly of Ikari, and indeed, he seems to be strangely overprotective of her, even going so far as to hastily eject her from a berserking EVA without proper safety procedures in place. Whether this fondness from her was there BEFORE the incident or was the result OF it, I cannot confidently say. What his overall interest in her is, I also cannot confidently say. But he seems to have quite an attachment for her...

_(pause)_

Listen to me prattle on. This would probably be simpler if I just had that file; THAT would probably have at least SOME answers for me. Sadly, either Doctor Akagi did not receive the message I sent her regarding it, or she is just ignoring me; both options of which are very disappointing. It is imperative I get Rei's REAL information, not the vague comments she keeps handing me. Give me an idea of what I'm working with here. As it stands now, all I'm doing is guesswork.

I shall continue to ask for it, but I wonder what Akagi hopes to accomplish by keeping it. Perhaps these negative feelings go deeper than just Rei's perspective...that may be something to look in to.

End recording.


	4. Tape Four: Personal Update 1

Personal Tape #01

I have sent three more requests this week to Doctor Akagi about Rei's file, and I have yet to receive a reply to any of them. I sent another message to her personal phone, but I fear the reflection in my voice indicates the low level my patience is at. Angering the head of research here at NERV would not be a good start to my time here.

Still, what the devil is the hold-up? They called me in to care for her and then they don't give me what I need, one could hardly call that a good method of progress. If I SAY I need the file, I don't mean I need it a week from now or in two months, I mean I need it NOW.

If this keeps up, I'm going to send a message to the Commander about it. This is getting ridiculous.

_(pause, sigh)_

A personal update, Katie...I have settled in nicely in the two weeks I've been here at NERV. There is my personal quarters, which I'm almost never in, and my office, which is where I spend the majority of my time...when I'm not eating or needing the lavatories, that is. More than once I have fallen asleep in here while going over my notes, and thus, I have resorted to keeping a pillow and blanket in the little closet I have for those situations. I believe the staff has already started to catch on to this, because they all seem to find me here on their first try.

With the exception of Commander Ikari and Doctor Akagi- both of whom there is a bit of tension from- I have found the rest of the staff here to be quite agreeable, what fraction of them I have met. I cannot say exactly how many people are employed here, but I assume there is a good number judging by how absolutely enormous this facility is. Still, they are friendly enough, even if I don't talk to them regularly.

We've received a new officer in the last two days, an operations officer for...well, whatever it is they're preparing all this for. Not sure how much I can officially say into a tape recorder...confidentiality, the wrong ears listening and the like, you know.

Anyway, the new officer, this Captain, uh-

_(papers rustling)_

Mit...Mit-sato...no, MI-sato, sorry, only one 't', uh...Kat...Katsa...Katsu...

_(pause)_

Oh for God's sakes, why is it so bloody difficult to comprehend these Japanese names? Hang on...

_(pencil scribbling on paper)_

K-A-T...S-U...R-A...G-I...

_(sound of pencil hitting the desk)_

Kat-su-ra-gi. Katsuragi? Is that it? I think that's it.

_(pause, sound of paper being balled up and hitting a trashbag)_

Oh, I'm sure they'll correct me if I get it wrong.

_(sigh)_

This is my morning exercise now, I'll have you know. This is how I wake myself up in the morning. Freud wrote his dreams down on paper, Steinman would speak in a different language for an hour, and me, well, I just recite these bloody names over and over while I take a shower until I get them right. This is my LIFE now.

_(pause)_

I went off on a tangent. I do apologize.

Anyway, while I have not had the chance to formally introduce myself to her yet, I notice that Captain Katsuragi...yes, that DOES sound right, Captain Katsuragi brings about a fire with her that seems completely devoid of the rest of the staff here. Very lively, very loud, very different from everyone else.

Oh, it can be obnoxious, certainly, and from what I've heard she has a drinking problem that would put Ernest Hemingway to shame, but when you're surrounded by people who combined have the same personality as the old men playing chess in Hyde Park, a fresh, lively personality can be the difference between tedium and wanting to hit yourself in the face with a soldering iron.

Hopefully we get more people like her down here. If only to give me a reason to come out of my office.

End recording.


	5. Tape Five: Ayanami Report 3

Ayanami Tape #03

STILL no word on Rei's file, not even with the message I sent Commander Ikari. No word of acknowledgment, no file. Nothing.

...That's all I'm willing to spare that thought. Any more, and I'm likely to get angry.

_(pause)_

A bit of a revelation during my latest session with Rei...I happened to ask about her friends and her social life, and before answering me, she gave me this odd little look, like she didn't quite know what I was asking her. I asked her about the people she chose to spend her time with, people she enjoyed being around...and her response was simply, "Commander Ikari."

And it stuck me then...Rei is _lonely_.

I've received her school records from her principal's office- which is just about the ONLY records I've been able to obtain on her- and it's...well, frankly, it's appalling. Her absence record is alarming, it's a miracle they still allow her to go there when she DOES go. But notes from her peers indicate that she has no real friends, never interacts with any of the students, never so much as opens her mouth. She's absent four out of five days of the week, an empty uniform the one day she IS there.

She has no interactions other than with NERV personnel, the Commander in particular. And that is not particularly good for her well-being.

You see, when a child has been alone their whole life, eventually it seems natural to them. So even if you were to point out to them that they are lonely, they wouldn't understand because in their mind, they've never SEEN themselves as lonely. Rei believes it's fine that she doesn't seem to have any friends because that's all she's ever known.

But it's not healthy. A child that age should have at least ONE friend that she can talk to, someone her own age to confide in. An adult can only go so far, but children NEED friends their own age.

I don't know why it's taken me this long to realize this, when it's been very much apparent from the start. If she could open up and find a friend, someone that's like her, or maybe even someone that's DIFFERENT from her but still...someone that's not a middle-aged man or a group of scientists...

_(sigh)_

Well...I suppose it's a good thing that another pilot is being called in.

Rei's physical recovery is still slow, and they need an active pilot on the roster until she is well. The one they are bringing in is another fourteen-year-old...I would argue against the morality of it, but apparently there are no other choices. But it's a male this time, and one with no proper training. So...that's something to look forward to, I suppose.

Well, at any rate, it'll be nice for her to have someone her age to talk to, even if it is the opposite gender. And with the right training, I'm sure he'll do just fine...if he's even going to be needed at all, which I pray he won't.

Anyway, I have his transfer order on my desk, I'll be getting more information as he arrives. Naturally, I'm to provide the same services for him as I'm been doing currently for Rei. Let's see who we have...

_(sound of folder being opened)_

Fourteen-year-old...Shinji Ikari...oh, well, that name will be simple enough to remember.

_(pause)_

Ikar...wait a minute...that's the Commander's name.

_(pause)_

Is...is this the Commander's SON?

_(long pause)_

Huh...I was unaware the Commander was even married, much less had a child...

_(pause)_

Well then...this WILL be interesting...

End recording.


	6. C

The new pilot is supposed to arrive today. Captain Katsuragi is on her way to get him from the train station. All week, the Commander has given no indication that the boy coming in is his own blood, but from the word around the facility, there's no questioning it.

Maybe he just doesn't want the boy to feel he's to be rewarded any special favors when he arrives, but I must say, that's hardly an attitude to take with your own-

_(explosion sound in the distance)_

Good Heavens, what was THAT?

_(more explosions, rumbling sound. Crashing and sound of crunching, splintering wood)_

BLOODY HELL!

_(Heavy panting, more explosions)_

I need to find out what the devil is going on. End recording.


	7. Tape Seven: General Update 1

General Update #01

Forgive the loud hammering you're about to hear, Katie. I'm in the process of putting my new desk together. That noise you heard in the last tape, other than the explosions, was the sound of my desk being smashed in two by large chunks of ceiling debris. Almost sawed me in half as well...

Well, they got my replacement desk here fast enough, which I appreciate.

_(hammering)_

The commotion caused the other day was that of a being classified as an angel...and no, not the angel they teach you about in Sunday school. These angels are...well, I don't quite know WHAT they are, but they're not friendly and, from what I've seen of it, they don't come in peace.

These are the creatures that the EVAs were designed to combat, which I was briefed on upon my arrival at NERV. I haven't discussed it until now because it was classified and, quite frankly, the fact that none had been seen as of then was cause to not bring it up. But apparently now whatever they were preparing for has begun, so there's no point in being hush about it.

_(hammering)_

Shinji Ikari was the one who had to fight it. I can only imagine that boy's terror...not even here two hours, summoned by a father he had not spoken to in years, only to be told he had to get in a giant robot and combat a large alien destroying the city. From what I've heard, he was dragged into it kicking and screaming- and rightly so- but from the footage I've seen, he performed admirably.

He's in the hospital now. The angel self-destructed on top of him, but his wounds aren't too serious, so he should be up and about soon. Still, not a very good first day in his new home.

_(hammering)_

I have read his file thoroughly in the last few hours. His mother Yui died when he was three, killed in a contact experiment with EVA Unit One...and poor Shinji was there to witness it. His father sent him off with a sensei a year later, and he's been there ever since. Apparently the Commander only requests him when he needs something of him...bloody rubbish parenting, if you ask me, but what do I know?

Still, Shinji came through. Though he appears meek and ill-suited for this sort of world, I predict there is some strength in that boy...he's had to have had SOME strength to move past a disappointing father like that. I know that only too well...

_(pause)_

I'm going to rant a bit now, Katie, but the subject of my rant is not at you, but at Commander Ikari. I may even present this tape to him, I haven't decided yet.

_(light hammering)_

My dear Commander, let me ask you this...how is it, exactly, that I am able to have your own son's file in my hands without even having to open my mouth to request it, and yet I have spent the last several weeks practically BEGGING for Rei's file without so much as a bloody peep from the people upstairs? Where is the sense in providing me ONE pilot's file but not the OTHER'S? What sort of backwards operation are you running in which you deem that acceptable practice? You do realize that in any other organization, if you were to interfere with a psychiatrist's work like this, there would be legal action taken against you?

_(sound of nails being moved around in a box, most likely him grabbing for one)_

Given the refusal to provide information, as well as you and your staff's complete lack of cooperation in the matter, I am forced to believe one of three possible outcomes as to the fate of Rei Ayanami's file.

_(light hammer taps)_

Either one, you lost the damn thing and you just won't admit it to me for whatever pride-filled reason.

_(single hammer strike)_

Two...the file never existed in the first place.

_(single hammer strike)_

Or three...the file DOES exist and it's still in your possession, but there's so much black ink over it that even if I WERE to get my hands on it, I wouldn't get very far.

_(three hammer strikes)_

If it is either of the first two options, then fine. Just...TELL me, outright, that that is indeed the case, and I will PERSONALLY construct a file for her myself from scratch. I have done it before, I am perfectly capable of doing it again. It is an inconvenience, yes, but a necessary inconvenience in my eyes.

Although if it IS the second option, then one must wonder how you WOULDN'T have a file on what for some time was your ONLY pilot. How the devil was she even cleared for piloting without providing a sufficient medical history? It just...

_(loud sigh)_

Your logic, Mr. Ikari, is one that I simply cannot wrap my head around.

_(hammering)_

Now, if it is the THIRD option- which, logically speaking, seems the more likely of the three- then I humbly request my clearance be upgraded in order to see it. It's only fair to Rei and to myself, as her physician, that I be given whatever access I need into her file's contents.

I understand that you fancy her as your...PET, or whatever derogatory term you want to come up with for her, and I'm sure you mean well in your own way, but YOU need to understand this-

_(hammering, sound of hammer being put down, sound of recorder being picked up and brought closer to mouth)_

I am her doctor now, as I am Shinji's. Their mental and emotional well-being are now MY responsibility, and I perform my duties with utmost care. And in order to care for her properly, I need her history. I need to know about any past illnesses, I need to know about any past injections, I need to know if she's been on any medications in the past, if she has a history of mental illness...family history, past doctors, et cetera. THESE are all things I need to know to properly diagnose her, and THESE are all things you are denying me and, in turn, are hurting her with by NOT providing me with them.

_(sound of fist pounding on the top of the desk, pause)_

There now. Solid as a rock. Not bad, if I do say so myself.

_(pause)_

So those are your two options, Mr. Ikari. Either help me help you to help her and ensure that whatever happened with Unit Zero never happens again, or kindly bugger out of the way so that I can be of some actual bloody use to this girl! One or the other, you can NOT have both.

End recording.


	8. Tape Eight: Ikari Report 1

Ikari Tape #01

Had my first session with Shinji Ikari today. While still adhering to the typical Japanese reservedness I have noticed from the majority of the people here, at least he is more talkative than Rei, if only by a little.

He's very polite, but very shy. I don't think he still fully understands why he's here, why him of all people. He seems like he's in a bit of a daze. He apologized maybe twenty times whenever I brought up the fight with the angel, for reasons I assume only he knows. He seems to have no desire to be a pilot, yet he'll continue to do it because his father needs him.

I haven't broached him on the topic of his father yet...I imagine that's a conversation best left for when we've gotten to know each other a little bit.

_(pause)_

He's not staying with his father, surprisingly. Then again, I don't even know if the Commander HAS his own quarters, or if they're suitable for other living beings. So he'll stay with Captain Katsuragi for the time being.

I would wonder if that's a wise decision, given the Captain's...well, personality, I suppose. But I will admit, compared to the other members here, she IS probably the best candidate for the job.

I do hope that apartment is appropriate living conditions, however...

_(pause)_

As for an early diagnosis, I would hazard a guess that he suffers from a bit of APD. Avoidant Personality Disorder. He doesn't seem to understand how to react around people; even with me, he seems weary, like he's testing me out, trying to find maybe a humane point or something relatable. It could be he's just wondering if I'm going to judge him or abandon him the way his parents have. I assume he's been doing this to everyone he's met so far.

Another reason why Captain Katsuragi may not be a wise guardian...I'm not sure if she'll recognize that. She may try to push him into a direction he's not comfortable going in. And right now, I don't think pushing him is what should be done. He's in an unfamiliar place, with unfamiliar people, in a scenario one couldn't even begin to fathom. Pushing him in one direction or the other may be too much for him.

I will continue to take the approach I have started, which is to try to ease him in gently. I understand that combat is a different scenario, and you don't always have the opportunity to assess your situation properly and really THINK about it. But as long as he knows there is a couch in my office that he can come sit down in for even a hour and just feel like nothing is expected of him, that may make all of the difference.

That's the theory anyway, Katie. Whether or not it will work, well...time will tell.

End recording.


	9. Tape Nine: General Update 2

General Update #02

Remarkably slow few days, Katie. Both Shinji and Rei are still listed as in recovery, but Shinji has been settling in to Captain Katsuragi's quarters, and Rei goes...wherever she goes to, I'm not sure where that is.

Most of the staff here have been analyzing the battle footage of the angel attack, trying to get a better idea of what to expect. From the looks of it, this is not a battle for any conventional weaponry that the army owns; not even a bloody nuke could stop it. This EVAs seem to be the only thing that can lay a dent in them...why is that, I wonder? What makes the designs of these units so sophisticated over other military weaponry?

Were I a scientist or an engineer, I suppose it might be worth my time to investigate this.

Instead, I sit in this office, droning into this recorder, with absolutely nothing new to report. No new developments in either pilot's cases, no new attacks, no new personal updates...just drudgery.

I am bored out of my skull, Katie, is what I'm getting at here.

_(pause, sigh)_

I should explore the city more. I really should. It's not like I'm a prisoner here, the rest of the staff come and go as they please...really no point in sitting here and continuing to count the spots on the ceiling. And hopefully, God willing, there will be a place where I can get some proper bloody tea. I have not had tea in about a month now, and any longer and I'm sure I will lose my mind.

_(pause)_

I think I'll go stretch my legs, then. End recording.


	10. Tape Ten: Ikari Report 2

Ikari Update #02

Shinji showed up to my session with bruises on his face. After some coaxing, he told me he had been involved in a fight at school. One of the students had their sister hurt during the battle with the angel, and hearing that Shinji was the pilot, well...he took it out on him.

_(pause)_

That, sadly, is one of the dilemmas of war. Steinman would lecture me on this during one of our many meetings, whenever we went over his old cases. There will be casualties, and not all of them will be soldiers. Innocents caught in the destruction's wake, children no less...it's the soldier's job to protect them, but it doesn't always work out that way. Shinji, unfortunately, got to realize that right at the beginning.

He takes the responsibility for it. He blames himself, believes it is all his fault. To which I replied that it wasn't; accidents happen, and there are always things you can't take account for when you go to battle.

But what else can I say other than that? What can ANYONE say that provides any comfort? That you just need to bear it? That seems cruel to say to a fourteen-year-old. Make an effort to do better? Like he has ANY control over that.

This is one of the things Steinman would have been well-suited for. He would know what to say in these situations. All I can do is offer some comfort, but my words feel weightless.

So I try to alleviate his worries, but he seems content only to dwell upon them. School, he deems as fair, but he has no friends and he doesn't seem to feel himself worthy of them. He doesn't feel worthy of the positive attention that Captain Katsuragi gives him. He doesn't take pride in being a pilot saving millions.

No, in his mind, he sees himself...as a villain. As someone who believes should be left alone in a hole somewhere than be a bother to anyone.

I compare his attitude here to that of our first session and I notice a noticeable decline in his mood. Last time he was shy but friendly enough; today, he seemed almost...not hostile, but moodier. At one point when I told him for a fourth time that the accident with the classmate's sister was not his fault, he said...well, I don't recall word for word, but it was something along the lines of that it would have been better if it had been him instead.

_(pause)_

He has a bout of depression, I'm sure of that. And he's at the right age for it to be seriously affecting him. Depression and APD, as I talked about in the last session. However...

_(pause)_

I don't want to jump the gun and misdiagnose, Katie, but I'm starting to suspect Shinji might suffer from a touch of bipolar disorder as well. Not bipolar EXACTLY, I should clarify, but rather a variation of it. I will need a few more weeks in order to judge it properly, but...well, if it IS the case, then I don't want to simply ignore it. For now I will make a note of it and keep it in mind, look out for other possible signs.

If it IS bipolar, or some form of it...then I shudder to think of what would happen if-

_(loud explosion noise)_

What?

_(continuous low booming sounds)_

Oh no...not another one...end recording.


	11. Tape Eleven: Ikari Report 3

Ikari Tape #03

Another angel attack. Whereas the first attack was fifteen years after the Second Impact, this one occurred after only a few days...and I assume the rest will follow just as shortly, however many there are.

It was once again Shinji vs. the Angel, except this time with the added complication of two of his classmates getting involved...the same two, I believe, that were tormenting him for piloting, now ended up being saved by him. Quite ironic, I dare say.

But the attack, although another victory for him, has done nothing but make Shinji's nerves worse. Immediately after the battle, he was in my office, fighting back tears and failing at it. In the end, he used up all of the tissues left in my box, and I still am not sure if it was any help.

The pressure of the fight, add two civilians who just happened to get in the way, and with voices screaming in his ears the whole time, from the command post, from the kids in his cockpit...how that boy found the will to stand and fight despite orders to retreat is beyond me. It goes back to what I said initially, however...I think that boy has a strength about him that even he doesn't realize yet.

Captain Katsuragi was coming down on him hard for disobeying the retreat order, but...I think Shinji did the only thing he COULD do in that situation. He held his ground and fought. What was the other option, I wonder, with Unit One in retreat and Unit Zero still in isolation until Rei is better? How much more damage would the angel have caused had Unit One retreated?

It seems like there was only one choice, and that was the choice Shinji made, even if it went against everything else. I made sure to tell him as such. Whether or not it helped, though...

If it is at all possible, I wouldn't mind getting Shinji started on some sort of anti-depressants. I know the risk of having a pilot on medication, but there are some medications out there that won't effect his ability to fight. At any rate, although I never like to say pills are the answer to one's problems, with my growing concern for possible bipolar disorder, I think we need to take into consideration the possibility that Shinji might not get better on his own, and that the drugs might help keep his mood in check, if nothing else. We'll start him off with a basic dosage, and then gauge how he reacts from there.

I'm just worried of what this increased stress will do to him. The medication might help him conquer that.

I'll put in a request with Doctor Akagi today, although given her inclination to help me so far, I'm not expecting much. But if she wants the pilots to fare well, then she needs to start considering their needs and not just her own.

End recording.


	12. Tape Twelve: Ayanami Report 4

Ayanami Tape #04

Today was the first time I had seen Rei without her bandages on. It was surprising to me, having gotten so used to the battered girl I had been meeting with the last few weeks. But without the bandages, she looks like a very lovely girl...even if her eye and hair color are still rather...unusual.

We had a long talk about her preparation to get back into piloting Unit Zero. Doctor Akagi makes her run these tests- synchronization tests, they're called- every day for an hour or so. The better the synch ratio, the better the pilot and Eva will be able to cooperate and work together. The theory, anyway. All of the terms she used flew right over my head, but I pretended to understand for both of our sakes.

She hasn't made any progress with interacting with Shinji yet...not that I really expected her to, as they haven't had much time to interact. But I asked her what she thought of being friends with him and she only replied that she would "if she was asked to."

_(pause)_

I can't, even now, think of a proper response to that, so I'll just let it go.

I don't really know if friendship with Shinji will help, given both of their personalities, but I doubt it could hurt. And anything to get her away from simply being a tool of the Commander.

Unfortunately for the sake of this progress...it looks like Shinji has run away. Captain Katsuragi reported him missing around mid-day yesterday. The pressure seems to have gotten to him bad enough that he decided to book it. I'm hoping our people find him before an angel does, otherwise it's not going to be-

_(phone rings, picks up)_

Yes, this is Doctor McPhearson.

_(pause)_

Oh thank goodness, where was he?

_(pause)_

On the town outskirts? What the blazes was he doing there?

_(pause)_

With a friend, you say? Was he helping him, do you know?

_(pause)_

I see...yes, very good.

_(pause)_

Yes, set up an appointment right away. Today, if you can, otherwise first thing tomorrow. I'd like to see him as soon as possible.

_(pause)_

Yes, thank you. Good day.

_(sound of phone being put back on receiver)_

They found him in the fields outside of town. Apparently he was in a tent with one of his classmates...what the classmate was doing there, I haven't the foggiest, but Shinji's alright and well, and that's what matters.

Hopefully I see him today...I need to gauge where he's at mentally. But from the sounds of things...I think he's had enough already...and I don't blame him.

End recording.


	13. Tape Thirteen: Ikari Session 1

Ikari Session #01

**W**: Hello Shinji. How are you?

**S**: I'm okay...

_(pause)_

**W**: You gave everyone a bit of a scare, running off like that.

**S**: I'm sorry.

**W**: It's perfectly alright. As long as you're safe. Everyone needs to take a walk sometimes, it helps ease the mind.

_(pause)_

**W**: Word is, though, that you're leaving us.

_(long pause)_

**S**: I just...can't do it. I'm not strong enough to pilot the EVA. I'm not good enough.

_(pause)_

**W**: I'll be honest with you, Shinji...If I were in your shoes, I would run as far away from here as possible. It's not fair to you, and it's not fair to Rei. You're children. You deserve to be children for as long as you can, especially in the world we're in today. I look at the two of you, being groomed for war...and I'm disheartened by it. If I could take your pain away, believe me, I would...But I can't, sadly. This task, for whatever reason...is only left in the hands of you youth.

_(pause)_

**S**: I never should have come.

**W**: So why did you?

**S**: Because...

_(pause)_

**S**: Because my father needed me.

**W**: Ahhh, the things we do for our fathers. Even if they don't always deserve our attention.

**S**: I thought he finally needed me...but it was just to pilot that thing...and fight.

**W**: You're angry with him? For asking you for this after years of not seeing you?

_(pause)_

**S**: A little...but mostly, I just...want to make him proud...make him want me around...

_(pause)_

**S**: Do you know, Doctor...what it's like, to have a father that just...completely abandons you? Ignores you for years? Do you know what it's like for your father to abandon you?

**W**: Of course I do. My father was a drunkard.

_(long pause)_

**W**: He would beat me when he was drunk, ignore me when he was sober, which he hardly ever was. My mother, bless her soul, had the good fortune to leave him, but not the good fortune to take me with her. So I bore that burden for several years after she was gone. He would blame me for her leaving, for us being poor, for the bills...for everything, really.

_(long pause)_

**S**: How did you...

**W**: Bear it? Well, in my mind, I held on to the belief that none of it was my fault. Abuse victims so often hear they are at fault for so long that eventually they believe it to be true. They believe they deserve what happens to them. But I would not allow myself to go down that route, because there's no turning back once you do. My best friend at the time helped me to overcome that. She believed I could beat it. And so did I.

**S**: So what happened?

**W**: Well, when I was sixteen- not much older than yourself- I finally put my foot down. He had been laid off for the fifth time in three months, for being drunk on the job. He came home, bottle in hand, yelling about dinner that I had forgotten to make. He threw the bottle at me...but I didn't even flinch. He took a swing at me, and I caught it and forced him back. I told him, sternly, that I loved him, but I hated the man he was. I had had enough. And so I packed my things and left, all the while with him yelling at me about how ungrateful I was. But HE was the ungrateful one. He let his family slip away from him for...pride, selfishness, whatever reason you can think of. And in the end, I don't think he had anyone.

_(pause)_

**W**: Fathers don't always know what's best for their children, Shinji. And they don't always recognize the good fortune they have with their children. But it's not your responsibility to put on a show for him. You need to set your own course.

**S**: But I want...I want to make him happy.

**W**: If that is truly what you desire, then I will try to help you in it in any way I can. But...keep in mind that you must do what is best for you. And that might not include him. And if it comes down to pleasing him and doing what is best for your own well-being...well, I will hope you'll know what to do when that time comes.

_(pause)_

**W**: Our time is up. I'm hoping this is not truly good-bye, Shinji. I feel we are finally starting to get to know each other.

**S**: I don't know...I'll think about it...I don't know where else I'd go, but...it's not home here.

**W**: Home is wherever you make it, Shinji. With whomever you feel you want to share your life with, with people who care. Family or no.

_(pause, sound of chairs scraping)_

**W**: If this is good-bye for now, then good luck. But I hope to see you around. I think the world can expect great things from you, Shinji Ikari.

**S**: I...thank you.

_(sound of door opening)_

**S**: Doctor McPhearson?

**W**: Yes, my boy?

**S**: Did you ever...

_(pause)_

**S**: Did you and your father ever reconcile? Did you ever talk to him again?

_(long pause)_

**W**: No...no, my father was killed during the Second Impact, when I was eighteen...I lost a good many people that day...

_(long pause)_

**S**: I'm sorry.

**W**: It's quite alright. It was a lifetime ago...and I've grown past it. As will you.

_(pause, sound of door closing._ _Sigh)_

Well, Katie...off he goes...whatever he does now, I just...hope he does it for himself...

End recording.


	14. Tape Fourteen: Ikari Report 4

Ikari Tape #04

He stayed. The boy almost had his foot on the train, but at the last minute realized he would rather stay. For better or for worse, he's in this now, and he's going to fight.

Part of me is anxious for the trials that await him, and the kinds of things he's likely going to see...but part of me is glad that he's going to face them head on instead of run away.

Now I just hope I can help him and Rei conquer them...

End recording.


	15. Tape Fifteen: Ayanami Report 5

Ayanami Tape #05

Rei has been making a significant amount of progress in getting back into piloting. Doctor Akagi has approved her for physical readiness. All they're waiting for is my own recommendation on her mental readiness.

From my sessions with her, I see no reason to believe she is not mentally capable of piloting. Despite the unusual things she says at times, she speaks clearly and professionally, and shows no outward signs of a psychological break. Whatever was the cause behind the Unit Zero disaster seems to have subsided, for I have seen no indication from her that such an incident would happen again.

Even still, while I approve her for piloting, I would like to make sure she's eased into it. Anything too stressful could potentially cause a trigger, maybe even resurface memories she doesn't remember having. Continue to make her transition back into active duty as simply as possible.

As long as both her and Shinji's progress is made as smooth as possible, I can't foresee any problems.

_(large explosions, alarm ringing, more explosions._ _Long pause during this.)_

I could ALMOST feel that happening...as soon as the words left my mouth.

_(sigh)_

End recording.


	16. Tape Sixteen: Personal Update 2

Personal Tape #02

Blackout tonight. NERV is using all the power in Tokyo-Three to power a weapon strong enough to punch through the new angel's defenses. It's only a diamond...no other shape, a bloody diamond. But it punched a hole through our defenses and almost fried Shinji completely. It's a miracle it hasn't vaporized us all.

_(pause)_

It's quiet here tonight. Outside the staff is all running around and making the preparations, but in my little corner of the building, the only sounds are my voice and my breathing. It's just you and me tonight, Katie...and I just realized how awkward that sounded the moment I said it.

_(laugh, long pause.)_

These things, these angels...they are adapting to us, aren't they? Already they're learning how we work. Shinji wasn't up there a minute before he was already taking a fully charged laser to his chest. And who is to say that will be the worst of it? How many more angels are there out there that can do damage worse than this one?

Even if...WHEN we defeat this one...will the one after be even worse than that? And the next? Are they studying us fight? Are they-

_(pause)_

I'm doing it again. Going over all the negative points, focusing on all the things that can go wrong. I need to stop. I'm of no use to anyone in that mindset, and especially no use to myself. Those kids might need me again when this is over.

_(pause)_

It's nice, this quiet. I actually kind of like it.

_(pause)_

My hand is shaking...that's new. I don't get the shakes often, if ever. Last time this happened was...well, Second Impact, I would imagine, but who WASN'T shaking then? Still, I suppose I should get that looked at. Then again, if the shrink loses his mind, who do they call then?

_(pause)_

I suppose there's a joke in there somewhere. Probably not a very funny one.

_(pause)_

Before my father lost his mind to drink...I was told he was a brilliant doctor himself. I find that hard to believe...hard to believe ANY time that man wasn't who he was. But they say he was fantastic in his field, though I never learned what that was.

That's something that worries me, on occasion. If a man so brilliant can fall so far, what kind of example does that leave his son? I don't blame myself for what happened to him, but I worry I may end up in the same place, lost to drink after losing it all. They joke that it's genetics and whatnot, but...that's a fear I have...

_(pause)_

These children...I think they may make or break me. I'll either succeed in my sessions with them...or I'll fail miserably. And I'm hoping it's the former. Despite only knowing them a short time, I already feel an attachment to them. Wherever they end up going, they will take me with them. The angels wear at them, I put them back together, and then repeat the process. If I'm lucky...we can win.

_(pause._ _Loud sound of gunfire above)_

And there it is. The shots heard 'round the world...oh, I do hope they hit something.

End recording.


	17. Tape Seventeen: Ayanami Report 6

Ayanami Tape #06

The angel was defeated. Rei and Shinji together dealt the finishing blow, almost at the cost of Rei's life. If Shinji had not been there to save her, well...I fear she would have been lost to us.

I had her in my office earlier today, and I was asking her about it. She replied to me in her usual cryptic tones, but...when I asked her about Shinji's exploits, I saw the faintest trace of a smile dance on her face, and her tone was warmer than I had ever heard it before. It would appear as if his heroics have started to melt through that exterior of hers.

I think my plan of getting these two to be friends is starting to take fold, Katie. More of this, and we may start to see some real progress.

End recording.


	18. Tape Eighteen: Ikari Report 5

Ikari Tape #05

Shinji has been acting cheery lately. It would seem this latest battle has given him a bit of a confidence boost; add the fact that the staff, specifically Captain Katsuragi, is treating him better than he's seen in ages. Still not much progress made in regards to his father, but he himself feels that he is making progress in that area.

It helps that he's been making friends. The two boys that were involved in that one incident have since befriended him...I suppose there are some instances where you can't help being friends after you've had your life saved by them.

But these boys, uh, who were they...

_(sound of paper rustling)_

Ken...Ken-soo-ke...no, KEN-ske, I remember the silent 'u', Aida and...Touji Su...Suzu...

_(long sigh)_

Okay.

Kensuke Aida, Touji Suzuhara.

There.

Bloody hell, they're not THAT difficult to remember...

Anyway, I think they're helping him break out of his shell more, which he desperately needs.

As to the matter of his possibly being bipolar, well, I put the request in for medication, but since his near-departure from our facility, I've seen no resurgence of that. Nevertheless, I will remain vigilant for any possible signs. One never knows when another break might occur.

But yes, things seem to be settling down around here. A pattern is being made, people are starting to open up...I'm quite optimistic about things at current.

At last, I feel as if we're all caught up. The place almost feels like home now. Now if they can only find the time to get some proper tea put in...still have had no luck in that department...

End recording.


	19. Tape Nineteen: General Update 3

General Update #03

To whomever owned the giant robot that almost leveled the entire city...while I appreciate your desire to help, if I may be permitted to make a suggestion, would you please make sure that the robot has been properly tested BEFORE sending it out to do our pilots' jobs for us? THEN maybe we'd all be surprised when the damn thing goes on a bloody rampage and targets the nuclear reactor.

Honestly, who the devil let these idiots build a homicidal forty-foot robot and then let it loose on a city full of people without properly testing it? Bloody idiots. I understand the U.N. isn't entirely comfortable with a private company saving the world on their watch, but if this was their way of trying to prove they could keep up with us, I am not impressed.

If I sound annoyed, Katie, believe me, I am. This has been a week of incompetence and stupidity, and the robot is just the tip of the iceberg.

_(pause)_

In other news, my request to get Shinji on some medication was met with an actual response! Imagine that! Weeks of the higher-ups keeping tight-lipped over a bloody file, but the minute you start suggesting that one of their pilots should be on drugs, all of a sudden they have an opinion! It's so lovely to have priorities, isn't it?

_(bitter laugh)_

If you guessed that the answer was 'no', then you'd be correct. Doctor Akagi felt as though putting him on medications would negatively effect his synch ratio. I told her that we would try medication that would not affect his ability to pilot, but she refused to budge. She was not going to risk the chance when the pilots were needed on constant watch.

I then went on to tell her that I was hired to treat these children, a job I have done under absurd conditions set by her and the director, and if I was to actually succeed in my job and give her the results SHE needs, then I was going to need to experiment with him. The boy has possible psychosis that, if not treated, could negatively impact him and everyone involved with the project.

Eventually, the debate turned into a pissing match between myself and a woman that has her head so far up her arse that I'm amazed she is able to BREATHE properly. I walked away, not getting what I needed and with a great big blooming headache to contend with. My only comfort is knowing that I probably gave her one just as insufferable.

_(sigh)_

I know. I shouldn't have lost my temper. But I've been here for a couple of MONTHS now and I'm still meeting the same damned resistance.

_(sigh)_

I don't understand these people.

And as if THAT wasn't enough, now they tell me we're being sent ANOTHER pilot. So that will make three active fourteen-year-olds tasked with saving the world that will be in my care. I don't even know how many we're supposed to end up with when all is said and done, but I've got my hands full managing TWO of them, one a recluse, the other with possible psychosis, and if they keep pushing more onto my plate then...

_(sigh)_

Oh, who am I to complain? Of course I'll do it willingly. I'm all these children HAVE.

Anyway, this, uh...Sore-you...apparently she's from my corner of the globe, across the pond from me. So at the very least, I'll have someone from my own homeland to converse with.

I just hope they're not sending a French pilot, otherwise I'm never going to have a moment's peace.

End recording.


	20. Tape Twenty: Soryu Report 1

Soryu Tape #01

Asuka Langley Soryu. German/American, fourteen, and the designated pilot of Evangelion Unit Two. Red haired, blue eyed, and a personality that could melt whatever polar ice caps there are left.

And to be quite frank, she is EXACTLY the kind of case I've needed.

The Japanese, I have had troubles with due to their reserved natures and difficulty in understanding them. The Germans, on the other hand, I understand all too well. I spent six months in Germany during my residency, living in a bar with a rather beautiful barkeep...which, ultimately, was the reason I was kicked out of there by her parents, in the end. On top of that, my German, though hardly what I would call perfect, is more than qualified enough to converse in for hours.

Not to mention I lost a grandfather and two uncles to the Germans in World War Two, but that's all water under the bridge.

From her file, I've gathered that her mother committed suicide when the girl was very young, and she had been living with her father and step-mother for a time. She already has a degree from a university, if you can believe that, one that young. She understands how to deal with adults better than her own peers, and seems very independent compared to my other two wards. Which, to be honest, is a bit of a relief, this change of pace.

Side note, I should also mention in regards to files, that I still have not received word on Rei's. As such, I have no choice but to accept the fact that it probably never existed and have begun to build a new one for her by scratch. It really did not need to happen this way, but...well, no point in dwelling on it now.

Anyway, as to the girl herself, well, naturally she was very abrasive coming into my office, and quite rude as well. Her outlook changed a bit after she insulted me in German and I made it very apparent that not only could I understand her, but I could also communicate in that tongue, or English if she preferred. From there I think she acknowledged me as someone worthy of her time, although she still saw the session as a joke. Still, I made the attempt, and she responded well.

She's impulsive and rash and acts quite haughty, but I can see right through it. SHE is the easy one of the three, as hard to believe as that sounds to someone who wouldn't see the difference between her and Shinji and Rei.

The trick with her, it would seem, is to give her the illusion of being in control of the sessions. Which is fine by me, if it puts her in a position where she sees the sessions as something comfortable and not a prison sentence. But I also have to maintain my own standing and make her understand that I am someone to confide in. Which, given a few more sessions, I think I can manage to swing.

I'll be honest with you, Katie...I think I'm going to like this girl a lot.

_(chuckle)_

End recording.


	21. Tape Twenty-One: Soryu Report 2

Soryu Tape #02

I've reached a sort of rhythm in my sessions with Asuka. I ask questions to her, she asks questions back, we play a game...I've been teaching her cribbage, and I'm shocked to say she's picked up on it quickly. I may or may not currently owe her a good deal of money. Hopefully an IOU will suffice for the time being.

_(laughs)_

She doesn't divulge much. She talks about her piloting skills, how hard she's pushed herself to get here. She complains about Shinji, and how 'beneath her' she finds him. She prattles on incessantly on 'her Kaji', over and over. Mostly she just talks without a filter. Everything except the heavy stuff. Which is about what I expected.

The Kaji she keeps talking about is, I'm assuming, Ryoji Kaji, our other recent arrival. He is...well, I'm not exactly sure WHAT he does for NERV, truth be told. But he's friendly enough, even if he seems...quite off. Asuka stayed with him for a while, and, well...I shudder to think what kind of ideas he put into her head.

Apparently he and our dear Captain used to be a thing. Somehow, the idea doesn't surprise me as much as it probably should.

Back to Asuka...staying with Kaji apparently put some delusions of grandeur in her brain. Fourteen-years-old and already ready to bed the man, for God's sakes. She's far too young to be having such ideas. And even if she WERE allowed to have those ideas, it certainly should not be about someone who's old enough to be her bloody father.

Kids today. So eager to grow up. What kind of world have we left them?

_(sigh)_

Asuka gets attached very easily, it seems, and yet at the same time does her damnedest not to let me or anyone else around here in. Very conflicting. She wants to be loved, but she'd rather be alone. It's like she's at war with herself.

Early diagnosis...judging by her history and her desire to prove herself, I'd say she's developed a bit of an inferiority complex. She always has to be the best, even in things she shouldn't HAVE to be the best. It may be her feeling she has to prove herself to a mother who committed suicide. It might also be that she's trying to fill that hole with Kaji, the same way someone his age would do...

All in all, it reeks of a girl who is too eager to grow up in a world where it's better that she remain a child as long as she can. It doesn't help that that attitude is encouraged around here...

Well, at least she can come here and be as young as she likes...even if sometimes she yells very loudly...it DOES hurt my ears, I won't lie.

End recording.


End file.
